THE COURSE
KMBU is made up of meandering pine forest trails, a 1 km stretch of undulating sand dunes and finishes with a winding boardwalk through a large pond full of invisible ribbiting frogs cheering us on. As the race went on, I’m pretty sure the ribbiting turned into laughter. We were the best entertainment the local frog population had had in months.
Occasionally we’d see a photographer on the course who must have thought we were astonishingly attractive and looked in such good shape. Little do they know that as soon as a photographer is spotted ahead, word is quickly passed down the ranks and running posture is adjusted just in time for the picture being taken. Stomachs are sucked in, dripping noses are wiped, biceps flexed, brows are furrowed like James Dean and lips are pursed. Click, click, click.
Immediately after the runners pass the photographer who is stunned by our awesomeness, we revert back to our suffering, nose-dripping shuffle covering 6.7km every hour, on the hour.
THE PAIN-TRAIN EFFECT
Last time I wrote about the pain train, it was about a bunch of misfits moving slowly through the night, mouths agape like zombies with arms reaching out towards the finish line that never comes.
This time around, the term ‘Pain Train’ has another meaning, more of a gaseous nature. A number of us consume a sports carbohydrate drink called Tailwind; let me write that again - Tail WIND. In the right conditions this liquid fuel is a great source of vital energy. However, also in the right conditions, this fuel turns to explosive gut-busting gassssss.
Oh man, it hurts like hell. The gas starts its pain train journey by brewing in your upper gut, steadily increasing in size and slowly zigzaging it’s way towards your lower intestine. By now, the cloud of gas which has somehow tripled in size collecting little gas babies along its way, has increased the abdomen to the size of a spare tyre. As most of us have a bit of a spare tyre already, let's call it the double-tyre banger. And I had to let mine out. NOW.
Eyes filled with tears, I check behind me to assess the blast radius (the distance from the source that will be affected when an explosion occurs). There were tonnes of people behind me, but not being able to hold it in much longer I decide to let it go in front of a bearded man wearing headphones - at least when he gets vaporised he won’t be able to hear it coming and his beard should offer some sort of protection. Just as I brace myself for the ultimate release, I spot a photographer meters away. Click, click, click. Uh-oh. At the SAME time the race director arrives on the scene looking pleased as punch and videoing the runners for the social media fans. Time seems to slow down, like in the movie Platoon, where the guy sporting a flat-top haircut with blonde tips pulls the pin from a grenade.
Tick, tick, tick.
BOOM…!
Right in front of the photographer and the Race Director. I was deflated.
THE CREW
With the pressure relieved, I look forward to a short break in my tent before starting the next lap again. Having a support crew is vitally important if you want to push yourself as far as you ‘think’ you can go.
Tim, head butler, and the butler’s assistant, Diane, shepherd me into a tent, sit me on a chair and then a strange phenomenon occurs. The awesome butlers hand me food and drink, ask me what I need and tell me how amazing I look. They are doing such an incredible job, I’m starting to mistake myself for a rock star. My head is swelling from all this attention, but I’m also super worried they might figure out that I’ve spent most of the race farting. If I lose these guys I’m out of the race!
No more Tailwind please.
The butlers push me out of the tent to the start line to join the other hordes of rock stars to do the same thing over and over again.
30 Hours all up, 206km.
Event Rating: 9/10 (would have been 10/10 but It's cold and the frogs laugh at you)
Pain Rating: 15/10
KMBU run by Steph and George is an awesome event, brilliantly run, lots of exciting prizes and even has a female change area..f...yeah!
Photo Credits: Brad Spiers Photography, Tim Tam Canning, KMBU and 'Hell on Wheels' Waterworth
Commentaires